My Rosfic

Part 1

"Shut up! I’m so tired of your bitching!" I yell at her. She’s been so damn annoying, I just can’t stand her.

"Well I’m so tired of you!" she yells back. I throw my hands up in the air and walk away from her. I can’t take this anymore. "Where are you going?" she asks.

I know exactly what she’s doing right now. She’s standing at the sink. One hand resting on the counter, the other resting on her hip. She’s got a dishtowel thrown over her shoulder, and she’s tapping her foot angrily. This is a scene that we’ve been through many a time and it never ends.
"I’m going in the basement. Leave me the hell alone," I snap. I don’t want anything to do with her right now.

"Michael, I wasn’t done talking to you!"

That’s why I’m going to the basement, bitch. "Maria, shut up." I don’t even turn around to look at her. I just retreat to my save haven, the basement. I lock the door with my alien powers, thanking God that I have them at this moment, and then I head down the steps. The basement was going to be a recreation type room for us and the kids, but we never got around to finishing it, so it’s been serving as my studio. I don’t allow anyone down here. I lock the door when I go down, and lock it when I come up. I don’t want her seeing my art; I don’t want the kids seeing my art.

My art, well… it’s something else. I never really liked art to be honest. In fact, I only got into because of that stupid dome that I drew. Then everyone said I had real talent, so I continued drawing and then moved onto painting, and I really was good at it. People loved my work, and that made me start loving my work. Once I got started on a project, I couldn’t stop.

Before Maria and I got married, I’d lock myself in my apartment and paint for hours. I’d paint Earth; I’d paint outer space. I’d paint anything and everything, but the one thing I always loved painting was her. I loved painting or drawing Maria. To just put her on a canvas, but I never felt I did her beauty justice.

Now I lock myself in the basement and I paint with dark colors. I paint a sad sky, and rain and thunder. I paint dark blobs of nothing; everything is dark, because that is how my life is. Dark.

* * *

"Where are you going?" I ask. I have one hand on the counter and the other resting on my hip. I have a dishtowel over my shoulder because I’ve been cleaning all day, and I’m tapping my foot angrily. He’s really pissing me off tonight.

"I’m going to the basement. Leave me the hell alone," he snaps at me. I’m so tired of this.

"Michael, I wasn’t done talking to you!" I say to him, even though he knows. That’s why he’s going to the basement. He doesn’t want to deal with me anymore.

"Maria, shut up." He slams the door to the basement and locks it so that no one can get down there.

Welcome to a night in the Guerin house. Screaming, fighting, and crying, usually before dinner even starts. That is if Michael makes it to dinner. He’s usually off gallivanting around town. Actually, I don’t know what the hell he does. We have a don’t ask, don’t tell rule that we’ve established over the past year.

I don’t exactly know when things between Michael and me became so strained. We just started growing more and more apart. I would no doubt have divorced him by now, but I can’t do that to the kids. Although, I wonder if they like living the way we do. Half the time Michael sleeps on the couch, and when we’ve had a good day, and we haven’t fought, he sleeps in bed with me. But that’s all that it is. Sleeping. I don’t think he’s so much as kissed me goodnight in months.

I wish that things could go back to the way they were, but it only seems that things are getting worse and worse. It kills me living like this. It kills me that my children have to see us like this. Always fighting, always distant. Our life is this giant black hole, and I’m not sure that we’ll ever escape.

* * *

"Daddy?"

I open my tired eyes see a beautiful angel looking at me. My 4-year-old daughter. I sit up, and rub my eyes. "What is it princess?" I ask, pulling her onto my lap.

"Are you and Mommy fighting again?" She looks at me sadly, as she asks that. That face that she has breaks my heart. She’s my daughter, my Sadie. I love her so much.

"Sadie…" I start, but as usual, I can’t find the words to say to my princess about the situation between Maria and me. "Shouldn’t you be in bed?" is the only thing I can say.

"I’m scared. I wanna sleep with you, Daddy," she says pouting.

"Sadie, there isn’t enough room for both of us on the couch," I tell her. "How about if I put you in bed with Mommy?" I ask.

She shakes her head no. "Mommy cries at night," she tells me.

That’s something I already know, that Maria cries at night. I’ve heard her plenty of times, but I can’t think about that right now. I sigh. "Ok, how about if I come sleep in your bed." She brightens up at that. I lift her up, carry her into her bedroom, and set her on the bed. She climbs under the covers and then holds them open for me. I climb in and kiss Sadie on the forehead. "I love you Princess," I whisper to her.

"Love you, too, Daddy." She falls asleep quickly and I lie on my back, staring at her ceiling. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I can’t stand living like this, but I can’t move out. I can’t leave my children. I love them way too much.

Part 2

I wake up to Sadie shaking me. "Daddy, it’s Saturday! Pancake day!" she says joyfully. I smile and start to tickle her. "Daddy stop!" she squeals. I lift her up and carry her downstairs to the kitchen. The twins are in the living room watching cartoons and Sadie bounces onto the couch between them.

"Dad! Are you making pancakes?" Kaleb shouts from the living room.

"Yeah," I call back.

"Yum!" I hear Katelyn say.

The twins are fourteen and recently I’ve been hearing them talking. I think that they’re very aware of the situation between Maria and me, but they don’t say anything to me. I just hope they don’t say anything to Sadie.

I rummage around the kitchen, get out the pan and spatula, and start making pancake mix. Every Saturday since Maria and I were married, I’ve made pancakes so that we can all sit down and have breakfast together. It’s our Saturday morning ritual, and I don’t think I’ve ever missed a Saturday breakfast with my family. I rarely make it to dinner, so I use this to make it up to them. Maria and I force ourselves to get along during Saturday morning breakfast, because it’s for the kids.

"Dad, I want chocolate chips in mine!" Kaleb calls. I smile. I already knew that. Kaleb likes chocolate chip, Katelyn likes blueberry, and Sadie likes them with just butter and syrup.

"I want blueberry!" Katelyn yells.

"I want butter and syrup!" Sadie’s little voice calls after them. Do I know my kids or what?

* * *

Saturday… pancake day. Michael’s downstairs making breakfast no doubt, and the twins are on the couch watching cartoons with Sadie pushing her way between them. It’s a Saturday morning ritual. I push the covers off me and head into the bathroom adjoining our bedroom. I wash my face and brush my teeth before heading downstairs. I smile as I see the kids watching cartoons, and Michael in the kitchen cooking up a storm. If only we were as happy as we looked.

"Mommy!" Sadie jumps off the couch and into my arms.

I kiss her on the cheek and hold her in my arms. "Hey baby," I say, smoothing her hair back with my hand. "What are you and the twins watching?"

"We’re watching Rugrats!"

"Morning Mom," Kaleb says, not looking from the TV.

"Morning Mom," Katelyn echoes. She at least looks at me.

"Good morning." I head into the kitchen and grab a cup of coffee.

"Morning," Michael mumbles.

"Morning," I mumble back. "Need any help?" I ask.

"Nope."

"Ok." I take my coffee, go back in the living room, sit in a chair, and watch TV with my kids.

"Sadie! Stop it!" Kaleb snaps as Sadie squirms around on the couch. "You’re taking all the blanket!"

"Well, I’m cold!" She sticks her tongue out at Kaleb and pulls more of the blanket on her. This is a disaster waiting to happen; I can see it now.

"SADIE!" Kaleb yanks the blanket back and Sadie screams.

"GIVE IT BACK KALEB!"

"Alright, that’s enough." I finally intervene.

"Mom, Katelyn and I were here first," Kaleb tells me. Katelyn just ignores everything and concentrates on the television. She’s the quiet one of the bunch.

"Sadie, go upstairs and get another blanket," I tell her, knowing she’s about to put up a fight.

"MOMMY!" she cries. "I want this one!"

"Sadie, Kaleb was here first. Go get a blanket from your room."

"Humph!" She stomps her foot on the ground and glares at me. "I don’t want to. You do it!"

Now I‘m mad. She has too much of her father in her. "Sadie…," I warn.

"Mommy," she mocks me.

"Sadie Elizabeth Guerin, you better cut that attitude right now!"

"Oh my gosh! I’ll go get the stupid blanket." Katelyn gets up and heads upstairs. She hurries back down with a pink blanket and hands it to Sadie. Sadie wraps it around her and bounces back on the couch.

"Sadie, what do you say to Katelyn?" I’m still irritated by her little tantrum, but I’ll let it slide, this time.

"Thanks, Katy!" She’s cheered up already.

"You’re welcome," Katelyn grumbles.

I wander back into the kitchen and see Michael setting the table. "Juice or milk?" he asks, without even looking at me.

"Milk," I say. Here we go, another day in the war of Michael and Maria.

* * *

I can hear her in there arguing with Sadie, and I’m about to go in there myself, but Katelyn takes care of it, as usual. Maria should have just gone to get the blanket, because I don’t like it when Sadie climbs the stairs by herself. She’s only four.

She walks into the kitchen and I don’t even have to look up to know it’s her. I can tell when she’s around; I have always been able to. "Juice or milk?" I ask. She’ll want milk.

"Milk," she says. Damn I’m good.

"Sadie, Katelyn, Kaleb! Breakfast is ready!"

Katelyn and Kaleb run from the living room to the table and Sadie comes running behind them, dragging her blanket. I lift her up and set her down in her chair.

"Thanks Daddy!" she says.

I kiss the top of her head. "Welcome Princess." I pour the kids their drinks and then sit down at the head of the table. Maria sits at the other end.

"I’ll pray," Sadie says. She has this new thing where she has to pray before every meal. I don’t really believe in religion, but if that’s what Sadie wants then that’s what I’ll do. "God bless our pancakes and Katelyn and Kaleb and Mommy and Daddy," she says. That’s suitable. I reach for my juice and drink some. She’s not done. "And God please make Mommy and Daddy love each other again and stop fighting." I almost choke on my juice and end up spitting some on the table.

I glance down at Maria who is also in as much shock as I am, but why should we be.

"Nice job Sadie," Kaleb murmurs.

"Hey," I say. "That’s enough."

"What?" Sadie asks, looking from me to Maria, back to me. "What did I do?"

"Nothing sweetheart, eat your pancakes," Maria tells her. She looks at me and I can tell that we are going to have to talk later. I try to avoid conversations with Maria as a rule, but this is one is unavoidable.

"Mom, can I spend the night at Mackenzie’s house tonight?" Katelyn asks Maria.

"Yeah. I need to talk to Liz anyway. I’ll take you over there a little later," Maria tells her.

"Ok." Katelyn continues eating her pancakes.

"Mommy, I wanna go, too," Sadie says.

"No Sadie. You can’t go!" Katelyn says.

Sadie pouts. "Mommy!"

"You’re going to Aunt Isabel’s tonight," I remind her.

"Oh yeah," she suddenly remembers and brightens up.

Kaleb is also going somewhere tonight with the baseball team, leaving Maria and me in the house alone. I wonder how long we’ll make it before someone ends up screaming.

"Hmm… Kaleb!" Maria wipes her mouth with a napkin. "You have to be ready to go in an hour." She tells him. That’s right. He has a baseball game today.

Kaleb shoves the rest of his breakfast in his mouth and gulps his milk down. You’ll be there, right Dad?" he asks me after he’s swallowed.

"I promise." I tell him.

Part 3

I finally get all the kids in the car and ready to go. Michael says he’ll meet us there in about an hour, which is fine. We’ve spent too much time together today as it is and it’s only noon. Anyway, I get all the kids in the car. Kaleb is sitting in the front seat quietly with his mitt. Katelyn is in the backseat reading a book; that’s my Katelyn. I swear she should have Max and Liz’s kid. Then there’s Sadie who is just chit chatting away about everything and anything. I’m going to assume she gets that from me.

Anyway, I leave Michael at home and drive to the baseball diamond. Kaleb jumps out and goes to join his teammates. I carry Sadie over to the stands and Katelyn follows, bringing her book. She’s not big into these games, but I think it’s important for her to be there to support Kaleb. Sadie usually plays in the dirt and occasionally gets Katelyn to take her to the playground. Michael hasn’t been coming to Kaleb’s games lately, which really upsets Kaleb. Michael never used to miss his games or anything the kids did, but recently he misses them.

Kaleb and Katelyn are freshmen at West Roswell and Kaleb was the only freshman to make the varsity team. Kyle is the coach, which may be the reason Kaleb made varsity. But Kaleb is very good at baseball and works with Kyle on it a lot. Katelyn is the artist just like Michael. They used to paint and draw together, but they don’t anymore. Michael spends a lot of his time with Sadie, and I think the twins are getting jealous. There’s nothing I can do about that though. Anytime I even try to talk to Michael, it turns into a fight and although I can still hold my own, it’s pointless. We are going nowhere.

* * *

As soon as Maria leaves, I lock myself in the basement and start to paint. I couldn’t believe Sadie at breakfast. She knows. They all know, and Maria and I are going to have to talk to them. That’s not a conversation that I’m ready to have with my kids. I remember the last time that Maria and I had to sit down and have a serious conversation with them. It was when Katelyn and Kaleb were seven. Maria was pregnant and she lost the baby. The twins were too young to understand, but Katelyn cried because she had wanted a baby sister so badly. Three years later Sadie was born, but I know Maria still hurts over the loss of the baby.

I think that the hardest thing isn’t going to be talking to the kids, but talking to Maria. I know that we can’t live like this anymore. I have to be honest. I love her, I mean I always will, but I hate her at the same time. She drives me absolutely insane and I feel like maybe things would be better if we were separated. But I just don’t understand how I could deal with that. I mean, would I have to give up my Saturday morning breakfasts, painting with Katelyn, taking Sadie to daycare, or Kaleb’s baseball games? SHIT! Kaleb’s baseball game! I got completely involved in my painting and I completely forgot! Maria is going to kill me! Damnit! I run upstairs and check the clock. It’s 2:00. The game is probably over by now. I am such a jackass. Kaleb is going to be so mad. I promised him; I promised him I’d be there and I let him down. I’m a horrible father.

I run upstairs and jump in the shower and when I come out, I can hear Maria and the kids downstairs. I’m afraid to go out there, but I do. I walk downstairs and into the kitchen where Maria is sitting with Sadie and Katelyn. They are all eating lunch, but Kaleb isn’t with them. "Where’s Kaleb?" I ask.

"With the team," Maria says; she’s pissed. "They’re having a team party at Kyle’s tonight. Then he’s going to stay the night with Adam."

"Oh, ok," I say. I go to the fridge and grab a Snapple.

"Where were you?" Maria asks.

"I was… I lost track of time. I’m sorry," I tell her.

Maria rolls her eyes. "Sadie, Katelyn, get in the car," she orders.

Katelyn grabs a bag off the counter and kisses me on the cheek. "Bye Dad," she says.

Sadie jumps into my arms and hugs me tightly. "Bye Daddy! See you tomorrow!"

Sadie follows Katelyn to the van and Maria glares at me. "You and me Spaceboy, we’re going to have a talk tonight, so don’t make any plans." She is definitely pissed and I’m definitely toast.

"Got it," I say. There’s nothing else I can say. I screwed up; I know it.

* * *

He’s such an inconsiderate bastard! I can’t believe after he promised Kaleb that he would be at his game, he missed it. I seriously don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s always missing Kaleb’s games. He doesn’t paint with Katelyn anymore. He’s never home. I love him, I do, but I won’t live like this. The disappointment on Kaleb’s face broke my heart. He really wanted Michael to be there today and he wasn’t. Tonight Michael and I are going to have a talk and he’s damn well going to listen.

I drop Sadie off at Isabel’s before going to Liz’s, that way I have plenty of time to talk to her without Sadie overhearing or interrupting. She knows enough as it is. All the kids do. Katelyn and Kaleb aren’t stupid. They’re fourteen. I know they hear us fighting. I know it hurts them. I’ve heard Katelyn crying at night, or talking to Mackenzie about it. I cry at night, and I know Michael knows. He’s heard me. So has Sadie. Life is just not good.

"Hey Maria," Liz says, opening the door. "Hey Kate. Mackenzie’s in her room."

"Thanks Liz." Katelyn grabs her bag and disappears upstairs. Liz and I go into the kitchen and sit at the table.

"How ya doing?" Liz asks. Liz and I have been best friends forever and she knows something’s wrong.

"Not good Liz," I tell her.

"Michael?" she asks. Liz knows everything about Michael and me. We’re trying to keep it a secret from the rest of our extended, and quite large, family, but Liz and Max know everything.

"He missed Kaleb’s game again today. Katelyn asked him for help on an art project and he didn’t help her. He slept in bed with Sadie last night," I tell her.

"Wow. Maria, I’m so sorry." She doesn’t really know what to say. She and Max have the perfect marriage. Sure they have their spats, but nothing big.

"It’s fine, I’m used to it. I’m just tired of Katelyn and Kaleb always being disappointed."

"How are they taking it?" Liz gets up to get us some tea and I gladly accept it.

"Today at breakfast Sadie prayed that Mommy and Daddy would love each other again and stop fighting." My baby’s voice saying those words still haunts me.

"Oh my God, Maria. That’s horrible." Liz hands me my tea and I take a sip.

"Michael and I are going to have a little talk tonight while the kids are gone. I think I want a divorce." That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud.

"Maria, you can’t be serious!"

"Liz, Michael and I are so far apart that I don’t think anything could bring us back together. He hasn’t slept in bed with me for a week straight, and usually he spends four nights out of the week sleeping on the couch anyway. I think it’s time. I think we’re holding on to something that’s just not there anymore."

Liz hugs me and I feel the tears start to well in my eyes. "I love him Liz, I really do. But I’m drowning, and we are both just so unhappy." I start to cry.

"It’s ok Maria." She strokes my hair. "It’ll be ok." But she doesn’t know that. No one knows for sure.

* * *

I hear the garage door open, then close, and then the door leading to the house slam. Goodie, Maria is home. Time to get bitched at.

"Michael," Maria says behind me. I turn from the TV and see her standing in the doorway. She’s been crying. "I think we need to talk." I flip off the television and she comes into the living room and sits down in a chair.

"Let me have it," I say.

"I should, but I’m not going to." What? Maria isn’t going to bitch at me? Oh no, what’s going on.

"What?" I say.

"I want a divorce," she says bluntly. Well… ok. I swallow hard and sigh. "We are living in this hell, Michael and it’s not good for us or the kids."

"You’re right, it’s not," I completely agree. "But I can’t lose the kids."

"You won’t. I know you love them. But Michael, the twins think that you favor Sadie over them. How could you promise to come to Kaleb’s game and then not come? And Katelyn needs your help for art class, and you forget. They need you just as much as Sadie does." What the hell is she saying to me?

"I know that Maria. I love Katelyn and Kaleb just as much as I love Sadie." I love all of my kids equally.

"Well maybe it’s time you show the twins that," Maria says. "Anyway, I think for right now, one of us should move out." And I can already see that look in her eye. It’s not going to be her. "I can’t live like this Michael."

"Well this is your idea, you go," I snap. Hell if I‘m leaving.

"I’m not leaving. Where will the kids and I stay?" she asks. The kids are staying with me, dumbass.

"You’re not getting full custody of the kids. They can stay with me."

"I’m not leaving my children, Michael. They need me."

"Well, I’m not leaving them either!" And I’m not. I refuse. "You fucking go Maria. You want a divorce then you move out."

"Are you joking? You’re going to make me leave?" She is standing now and waving her arms in the air. "I’m not leaving, so pack a bag Spaceboy and find the next spaceship out of here." Now I’m pissed.

"You know what Maria, go to hell. I’m done with you. You are just a selfish little brat. You always have been." I don’t really think that, but whatever I can say to hurt her right now, I’ll do.

"Well you’re the one who proposed buddy," she snaps.

"Well it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. How could I ever have loved you?" I shout. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. That one killed her. She’s about to cry.

* * *

"Michael," I say as I enter the house. He’s watching TV in the living room and I stand in the doorway. "I think we need to talk." He turns off the TV, and I go and sit in a chair.

"Let me have it," he says. Oh what I wouldn’t give to bitch him out right now. "I should, but I’m not going to," I say. I just want to get this out. It’s really hard.

"What?" he says. He’s confused.

"I want a divorce," I say bluntly. "We are living in this hell Michael, and it’s not good for us or the kids."

"You’re right, it’s not," he agrees with me. That’s a first. "But I can’t lose the kids." I knew he’d say that.

"You won’t. I know you love them. But Michael, the twins think that you favor Sadie over them. How could you promise to come to Kaleb’s game and then not come? And Katelyn needs your help for art class, and you forget. They need you just as much as Sadie does." I just had to add that in.

"I know that Maria. I love Katelyn and Kaleb just as much as I love Sadie." Yeah, he really shows it.

"Well maybe it’s time you show the twins that," I tell him. "Anyway, I think for right now, one of us should move out." And it’s not going to be me, so start packing. "I can’t live like this Michael."

"Well this is your idea, you go," he snaps. Oh no, he did not just say that.

"I’m not leaving. Where will the kids and I stay?" He’s not getting my kids, no way in hell.

"You’re not getting full custody of the kids. They can stay with me," he tells me. Bullshit!

"I’m not leaving my children, Michael. They need me."

"Well I’m not leaving them either!" Damn him. He’s going to fight this forever. "You fucking go, Maria. You want a divorce, then you move out."

"Are you joking? You’re going to make me leave?" I‘m standing up out of anger and I‘m definitely waving my hands in the air as a sign of my anger. "I’m not leaving, so pack a bag Spaceboy and find the next spaceship out of here." That pissed him off.

"You know what Maria, go to hell. I’m done with you. You are just a selfish little brat. You always have been." Bastard.

"Well, you’re the one who proposed buddy," I snap.

"Well it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. How could I ever have loved you?" What? How could he say that to me? I was the biggest mistake of his life? That killed me and I’m about to cry, but I won’t let him see that. I grab my keys off the end table and head for the door.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"Like you fucking care," I yell at him.

"You’re right, I don’t care. Get the fuck out of here," he screams at me. I hate that son of a bitch. "And don’t come back," he adds, just to piss me off.

Part 4

Thank God she’s leaving. I don’t care where the hell she goes, but she had better get out of my way for a few hours. How could she possibly think I would leave my kids? And how could she accuse me of not loving the twins. I’ll tell you what; she’s the most frustrating woman I have ever met. No one gets to me like she does. But then… I think that’s why I love her.

I love her, I do. I love Maria so much and I would never take back the time we’ve had. But something happened and we can’t find our way back. Maybe someday we’ll find our way back to each other, but for now, we desperately need to stay away from each other as much as possible.

Frustrated about the evening, I again lock myself in the basement. I’ve been here a lot this weekend. I don’t paint right now though. I just plop down on the couch and sigh. My life is falling apart and I have no control over it. I mean what could I possibly do now.

The kids, what are we going to tell the kids? Well I mean the truth obviously, but they are going to be so upset. This is a child’s biggest fear, for their parents to get divorced. God the things I said to Maria, I was so hurtful and I did it on purpose. I am such a jerk. No wonder we fight, I probably instigate all of it. If I were her, I’d want a divorce, too. I can’t believe I told her that she was the biggest mistake I ever made. I’m such an ass.

* * *

Damn him, damn him, damn him! I hate him! Then again, I don’t, I love him. But he made it perfectly clear tonight that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m driving around aimlessly trying to calm down. I’m sobbing hysterically, and driving and crying is definitely not a good combination. But I don’t know what else to do! When the twins were babies they used to cry a lot and Michael and I would drive them in the car because it always calmed them.

I always sang to Sadie when she couldn’t sleep. Sadie and the twins are going to be so upset when we tell them we’re getting divorced. How did my life end up like this? I thought Michael and I would make it. I love him so much. Why couldn’t we have fixed things?

I’m still driving and I’m driving crazy. I need to slow down, pick a destination, or something. I need to calm down or I’m going to get myself killed. Calm Maria, calm… It’s not working. Oh, shit! I just drove through a red light because I wasn’t paying attention and that’s definitely a truck coming towards my car. SHIT! That truck is making contact with the driver’s side of my car. I hear the crunch, and then it all goes black.

* * *

Maria has been gone for a hell of a long time. I’m really getting worried. I’ve tried her cell phone like ten times and she’s not answering. She must be really pissed at me this time. Well of course she is, we’re getting divorced. Damnit! How did my life get so fucking out of control? How did this happen?

The phone rings, startling me. I look at the caller-id and see that it’s coming from the Evan’s house. "Hello?" I say into the phone.

"Michael?" It’s Liz. I assume she wants to talk to Maria.

"Maria isn’t here," I say rudely. It’s been a bad night and I don’t want to talk about it, especially with Liz.

"Michael, umm… I don’t know how to tell you this, but Max just called from the hospital." The hospital? "Maria was just brought in; she was in a car accident."

My mind is spinning. Maria was in a car accident? Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick. "Is she ok?" I ask hurriedly.

Liz is silent. "I don’t know Michael. Look Katelyn is here and she’s really upset." Liz tells me.

Katelyn, she’s probably devastated. Katelyn is very emotional. "Umm… yeah ok," I say, not really comprehending anything at the moment.

"Look, I’m going to go to take Jon-Paul and Becca to my parents’ house, and Isabel is taking Emily, Skylar, and Sadie to her parents’ house. Kaleb is at Kyle’s and Tess’s with Adam, and Kyle talked to him. Sadie doesn’t know anything is wrong and Katelyn wants Mackenzie with her." Liz is just rattling on about the kids and where they are going.

I make sure to pay attention when she says Katelyn, Kaleb, and Sadie, but I block out everything else. "Ok," is all I can say.

"So I’m going to take Katelyn and Mackenzie to the hospital, and Kyle and Tess are bringing Kaleb and Adam. So we’ll meet you there?" she asks.

"Ok, I’ll see you there." I hang up the phone and stare into space. Is this really happening? Is Maria really in that hospital? This is just too much for me to handle. I don’t even know why I should go. Maria hates me. We’re supposed to be getting divorced. Of course, no one really knows that. So I grab my keys and head out the door to the car. The drive to the hospital is uneventful, but I’m not paying attention to the road. I’m just in shock.

~~~

When I get to the hospital, I see the whole family. Amy is ranting and raving, trying to get some information. That’s my mother-in-law. Jim, my stepfather-in-law, is sitting with Katelyn trying to calm her down. She’s a wreck. Liz is talking with Isabel, Alex, and Tess, and Kyle is with the boys. This is so not where I want to be right now.

"Dad!" Katelyn runs to me and I hug her tightly. I don’t really know what to say to her.

"You ok, kiddo?" I ask her.

She nods her head slowly. "Is Mom gonna be ok?" she asks.

"I don’t know. Let me go talk to Grandma and Liz ok?" I tell her.

I let her out of my arms and she goes to sit with Jim. I nod my head at him as a hello and he nods back. I sigh and run my hands through my hair as I walk to a very erratic Amy. "Amy," I say. She turns and hugs me.

"Oh Michael, I’m so glad you are here." She really doesn’t have a clue as to Maria and my problems. No one does except Max and Liz, and of course the kids.

"How is she?" I ask concerned. Maria may not be my favorite person at the moment, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been in love with her since I was 16, and she’s still my wife and the mother of my children.

"They had to take her into surgery, but they won’t tell me anything else."

"I’m sure she’ll be fine. Max is in there and he’ll take good care of her." When Max became a doctor, he swore that he would never use his "gift" on a patient, no matter what. I wonder if this applies to Maria.

"I hope so Michael. I really hope so." Amy leaves me and wanders over to Jim.

"Are you ok?" I jump at the sound of Isabel’s voice behind me.

"Isabel, hey." She hugs me, too. What’s with all the hugging? I’m not the one dying. Oh God I just said dying. Maria could be dying and I can’t do anything about it. "I’m fine," I tell her. I’m not really, but no one needs to know that.

I go and sit between Katelyn and Kaleb, and wait for Max to come tell us what’s going on with Maria. I check my watch, it’s 10:30 PM.

~~~

It’s midnight and I’m still sitting here without any answers. Amy is in a panic and she’s upsetting Katelyn and Kaleb. I don’t want Katelyn and Kaleb upset right now. Liz is pacing back and forth, which normally would be my role, but I can’t let the kids see that I’m worried. I have to be a stonewall for them. Finally, I see my best friend walking down the hall and I jump up to meet him halfway. Amy follows and I see Jim hold Katelyn and Kaleb back.

"What’s going on Maxwell?" I say impatiently. Liz has joined us now and she squeezes my hand. That’s Liz for you, always trying to be the strong one.

"Well she lost a lot of blood and we had to do surgery. I’ll be honest, we lost her for a minute, but we have her stabilized and her vitals look ok." They lost her, nice fucking job Maxwell. He sees the anger in my face and gives me a little glare. "She’s ok now."

"Can we see her?" Amy asks.

"She unconscious and I don’t know when she’ll wake up. It could be hours, it could be days. It’s up to her. But yes you can see her."

"Michael, do you want to go?" Amy asks me. Shit, no.

"Umm, why don’t you go ahead? I’m gonna go talk to the twins," I say. I can’t see her. I mean, she wouldn’t want me there anyway.

"Ok." Amy pats my shoulder and follows Max back to Maria’s room. I see the twins looking impatiently my way, and Liz and I go to tell them the news.

"She’s going to be ok. She’s not awake right now, but she will wake up. We just have to give her time," Liz tells them. She takes complete control. That’s just how Liz is and to be honest, I’m glad she’s here.

"Can we go see her?" Kaleb asks me.

"Yeah." Please don’t ask me to come with you.

"Will you come with us?" Damnit. I look longingly at Liz and hope she understands.

"I’ll take you guys, ok?" Thank you Liz.

"Ok," Katelyn says.

The twins follow Liz down the hall and I collapse in a chair. Maria is going to be ok, thank God. There’s still Sadie. I have to decide how to tell her all of this. I take out my phone and call the Evans’, hoping I don’t disturb them. Diane answers the phone, and sounds awake. Good. "Diane? It’s Michael. I hope I didn’t wake you."

"Michael, oh not at all. Is Maria ok?" she asks.

"Yeah, she’s still unconscious but Max said she should wake up. He said her vitals are looking good."

"That’s so good to hear. I was so worried." Of course she was. She’s such a typical mom.

"Listen, I was wondering if I could come over and get Sadie. I just want the kids home with me tonight."

"I completely understand. That’ll be fine," she says.

"Ok, well I just have to wait for the twins to come back from seeing Maria and then I’ll be over."

"Ok Michael, see you then." I hang up my cell and shove it back into my pocket.

"You ok, Guerin?" Kyle says, taking a seat next to me.

"Yeah. You?" I ask. He’s been very protective of Maria ever since Jim and Amy married. He takes his brother role very seriously and I don’t know what he’d do to me if he found out this was my fault. And by the way, it is my fault. I said all of those horrible things to Maria and it’s my fault she got in that damn car in the first place. I hate myself right now.

"I’m ok. I’m better anyway. Look do you want me to take Kaleb back to my place so you can spend the night here?"

I’m not spending the night here. "No, I’m taking the twins home and I’m going to get Sadie. I’m just going to get my kids home and to bed." They need normalcy right now.

"Umm… ok, I understand. Listen if you need anything call me, ok? Tess and I can sit for Sadie. I can get Kaleb to practice and games when he feels up to going. I can get the twins to school. Whatever you need."

"Thanks Kyle." I don’t need anyone’s help right now. I just need to get home. Katelyn and Kaleb emerge from the hallway with Amy. I grab the twins’ stuff and walk to them. "Let’s go," I tell them.

"Michael…," Amy starts but I interrupt before she can say anything.

"I need to get the kids home and to bed. I’m going to pick up Sadie," I say abruptly.

"Ok, see you tomorrow," she says. She sounds hurt.

"Bye Amy." I turn and walk outside between the twins. Katelyn is a mess and just needs to sleep, and Kaleb is… well, Kaleb is exactly like me. You can never tell. I still have to get Sadie and explain to her what happened as best I can.

Part 5

Ok, I wasn’t sure what was going on here. I heard my mom talking to me, but I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t talk back to her. She sounded like she was crying. Then Kaleb and Katelyn were here talking to me. It took me forever to realize what was going on. I was in a car accident. Michael and I got in a fight and I got into a car accident. I must be in a coma or something because I feel paralyzed. I can’t move anything and I can’t open my eyes. I can’t talk. I’m freaking out. Typical me.

Liz came in to talk to me about something or other. I’m not really sure. I do remember this bright light at one point, but it was only there for a few seconds and then it was replaced with darkness. This coma thing, or whatever, is really annoying. I just want to wake up and see Kaleb, Katelyn, Sadie…, and Michael. I want more than anything right now to see Michael. I want to hold him in my arms, kiss him, and tell him I’m sorry and that I love him more than anything. I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to though. If I die, he’ll never know. He’ll think I hate him! Well, I cannot die. I won’t. I have to survive so I can tell Michael how I feel. He has to know!

* * *

I am again locked in the basement. Kaleb and Katelyn are at school, and Sadie is at daycare. It’s Monday and Maria is still not awake. I’m starting to worry, but Max told me not to. Yesterday Amy came by and took the kids to the hospital. Sadie came back feeling a little better about the situation but still didn’t understand why Mommy wouldn’t wake up.

While the kids were gone yesterday, I started a new project. I have inspiration and I can’t stop working on it. Finally, something worth painting. It’s been awhile that I’ve had inspiration besides darkness, but this… this is going to be my best project ever.

I hear a knock at the basement door and I set my paintbrush down. I wonder who that could be. I make my way up the steps, unlock, and open the door. It’s Isabel. "What are you doing here?" I ask. She leads me into the kitchen and sits down at the table.

"We need to talk," she says. This isn’t good. When Isabel needs to talk, someone gets bitched at.

"What Isabel? I’m working on something." I’m not in the mood for her bullshit today.

"Michael, your wife is lying unconscious in a hospital bed and you haven’t been to see her. What is going on?" Damnit Isabel. Why does she have to go there? I don’t want to explain this to her right now.

"Isabel, I have three kids and a house to take care of while Maria is in the hospital. She’s not awake anyway, what will I say to her?"

"Michael, I know something is going on, so just tell me," Isabel says through her teeth. She’s kinda angry.

"Look Isabel, I’m not in the mood ok. Just leave me alone." I stand to leave but she stops me.

"Michael we have been friends since the beginning of time and I’m not going to just sit by and watch you fall apart. What is going on?"

"Nothing. Drop it Isabel!" I raise my voice.

"No. Why won’t you go see her? Why won’t you go see your wife?" she yells.

"Because we’re getting divorced!" I yell back, louder than her. Her face is in complete shock. I feel like I’m in complete shock. That’s the first time I’ve said that Maria and I are getting divorced out loud and I didn’t like the way it sounded.

"What?" Isabel asks softly.

I sigh sadly and look down. "Look, Maria wouldn’t want me there ok? Before the accident, we had a huge fight. I told her that marrying her was the biggest mistake in my life and that I don’t know how I could have loved her."

"Wow Michael." Isabel doesn’t know what to say; that’s a first. "I’m sorry."

"Forget it. It’s done now. Maria and I have been fighting for a long time," I explain.

"But you love her," Isabel says.

"What?" I snap.

"You love her Michael, I know you do," she tells me. Since when did she become all-knowing.

"Even if I did, it doesn’t matter." And I do, of course I do. "I can go in there and tell her I‘m sorry, but it doesn’t count if she‘s not awake to hear it Isabel." I turn back to the basement. "I have to finish my work. Bye Isabel." I go back to the basement and lock the door. I don’t even hesitate, I just pick up my brush and continue painting. It’s going to be perfect.

* * *

"Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, give us faith so we’ll be safe." I hear Sadie’s little voice singing the song I always sing to her. I wish I could wake up and talk to her, hold her. She’s my baby.

Michael hasn’t been to see me; I know it. I’d feel it if he was here. I find this sensation really weird. I mean I know what’s going on around me, but I can’t respond. It’s just so strange to me. I can’t see what’s going on, but I can hear voices and feel touch. So maybe Michael has come to see me, maybe he just isn’t talking to me.

Regardless I can’t wake up. This is becoming a nightmare. I keep thinking I need a reason to wake up, but I have one, my kids. I have to wake up for my kids. But is that enough? It should be. Give me a sign! Tell me when it’s time to come out of this coma and resume life.

Sadie is still singing softly to herself when I hear Isabel’s voice. Suddenly Sadie’s little hand isn’t touching mine anymore. I don’t hear anything. What’s going on.

"Maria." Isabel is talking to me now. "Maria, I don’t know if you can hear me, but… Michael misses you." Michael misses me... what? Go on… "He told me about the…," she lowers her voice. "Divorce…" Oh good, I wonder who else knows. "But he still loves you Maria. I can see it in his eyes. He’s always loved you. He wants so badly to tell you he’s sorry, but he’s so afraid you can’t forgive him. I’m here because he can’t be. He just can’t get himself to come see you, even though I know he wants to. Please Maria for him, he needs you Maria, so you have to wake up for him. You have to wake up so he can tell you he’s sorry and how much he loves you. Wake up for him." There’s my sign.

~~~

I wake up and my throat hurts like a bitch. I see Isabel sitting next to me and I’m trying to figure out where I am. I open my mouth to try to talk but nothing comes out.

"Maria," Isabel says. "You’re awake!" She seems thrilled. How long have I been asleep? Where am I?

"Water," I choke out, it sounds raspy and hurts my throat to talk. Isabel holds the water and I lean my head up to drink it. She helps me and I swallow. That feels better. "What happened?" I ask.

"You were in an accident. You’re ok though." An accident? Then it becomes clearer. Michael and I were fighting and I got in the car. The last thing I remember is that truck. It must have hit me.

"The kids?" I say, my speech is becoming clearer now, and with the water, my throat is hurting less.

"They’re here. Let me get Max." Isabel rushes out of the room and in no time, Max is walking in.

"Well about time you woke up, Maria," he says with a smile on his face.

"Dr. Evans," I say smiling.

"How ya feeling, Maria?" he asks.

"Like I got hit by a truck," I say. That’s the DeLuca sense of humor.

He laughs. "I’m gonna sit you up," he says, reaching for a button. He pushes it and I’m moved into a sitting position.

"Thanks. Can I see the kids?" I ask.

"Yeah, I’ll go get them. Everyone else wants to see you, too," he tells me. Before he can get back with the kids, Isabel slips in. She has something on her mind.

"Maria, listen. Real quick before the kids come, I just wanted you to know that he still loves you, ok. No matter what he says. He’s still madly in love with you."

"Mommy!" Sadie says. Kyle carries her in and I smile at her.

I turn back to Isabel. "Thanks," I tell her, but then all my attention is on my kids. "Sadie!" The twins are behind her and Kyle. "Hey Katy, hey Kaleb."

Kaleb gently hugs me. "I love you, Mom," he says.

"I love you, too Kaleb."

Katelyn starts to cry a little. "I love you, too Mom!" She throws her arms around me and is not so gentle, but it’s ok. I stroke her hair soothingly. "It’s ok, Katelyn, I’m fine. I love you too much to go away," I tell her.

"My turn!" Sadie pushes Katelyn and Kaleb out of the way and climbs onto the bed. "I drew you a picture Mommy." She hands me a piece of paper and I smile. "That’s you and Daddy and Katy and Kaleb and me." She’s very proud and I’m so happy to see that.

"It’s beautiful baby." I kiss her forehead and hug her.

"We were worried about you Maria," Kyle tells me. Everyone is in my room now. Well everyone except Michael… and Isabel. I wonder where she ran off.

* * *

Damnit! Someone is knocking on the basement door again. My project is almost done, so I suppose a break will be ok. I go upstairs, unlock the door, and it’s again Isabel. "What do you want this time?" I say angrily.

"Maria’s awake," she tells me.

"Good, I’m glad to hear it. Bye." I start to slam the door on her but she shoves it back open.

"Let me take you to her. Please? She wants to see you. Please don’t give up on what you have. She loves you," Isabel tells me.

Is she right? Does Maria want to see me? I sigh and scratch my eyebrow. "Fine let me change."

Part 6

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

I walk into the hospital room and there’s Maria sitting up in bed with Katelyn, Kaleb on chairs next to her and Sadie sitting on the bed laughing. Maria is laughing. I haven’t seen Maria laugh in ages. It’s a beautiful sight. I close my eyes and take in everything in. There is my beautiful wife sitting with my beautiful children… and they are happy. I find myself falling in love with her all over again. Maybe there’s hope.

Truth be told I've tried my best.
But somewhere along the way,
I got caught up in all there was to offer,
and the cost was so much more than I could bear.

I don’t see him come in at first, I’m laughing with the kids. Sadie has permanently attached herself to my bed, and Katelyn and Kaleb are sitting next to me in chairs. It feels so great to laugh again. Anyway, I see him after a few minutes. He is standing in the doorway with his eyes closed, but he has a peaceful look on his face and I find myself falling in love with him all over again. Maybe we can fix this.

Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

I open my eyes and she’s looking at me with her beautiful soft green eyes. She looks perfect. Ok well not perfect, I mean she just woke up from being a coma, but you get my drift. Kyle, much to Sadie‘s protests, lifts her off the bed and carries her to the door. Katelyn and Kaleb follow his lead. Maybe he knows we need some time alone. Tess takes the kids out of the room and Maria smiles. "Hey Spaceboy," She whispers. And I’m a goner, a complete goner.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could
change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

He looks into my eyes and I can see all the hurt and pain in them. All the hurt and pain I’ve caused him, and all the hurt and pain he’s caused me, and I can see that he’s sorry. Kyle takes Sadie from the bed and Katelyn and Kaleb leave too. "Hey Spaceboy," I whisper. He walks to the bed and sits down. He’s about to lose it any minute I can tell. "I love you," I tell him.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

"I love you," she says and I can’t control myself anymore. I reach for her and rest my head on her chest and I feel her arms around me and I start to cry. Her fingers are tangled in my hair and she rests her chin on my head. I cry for everything. For fighting with Maria, for wanting a divorce, for all the hurtful things I said, and for almost losing her to a damn traffic accident. But mostly, I cry because I get a second chance to make it right. I cry because she’s holding me in her arms, and it feels damn good.

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those
I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

He starts to cry and I run my fingers through his hair. I rest my chin on his head, and he cries some more. It’s ok, I let him. He needs to. I move my eyes to see Isabel and Liz standing in the doorway smiling. That gives me reassurance that this is going to be ok. They slip out the door and I look back at Michael. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I let them fall. I kiss the top of his head and he looks up at me. We’re both crying like babies. "I’m sorry. I love you so much," he says. I put my finger to his lips and smile. He leans in and crushes my lips with his and I finally feel like I’m home. It’s all going to be ok.

Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Epilogue

Maria is coming home today and I’m so excited. I finished my project and had it framed, and I hung it in the living room. Katelyn absolutely loves it and she told me that Maria is going to die when she sees it. I’m so excited.

Things with Maria and me are far from perfect. We know that we have a long way to go before things go back to normal, but we love each other, and love can conquer anything. I’ve agreed, reluctantly, to go to see a marriage counselor. It’s not really my idea of a good time, but it’s what Maria wants for us, and I think it’s what we need. I just hope that I don’t screw this up. I’m getting a second chance, and I couldn’t be any happier.

Kyle is bringing Maria home. I wanted to, but I have to have everything perfect for when she gets here. Katelyn made a "Welcome Home Mom" sign and she let Sadie help. Sadie’s turning out to be quite the little artist. I went to Kaleb’s baseball game the other day and I’m proud to say that I have one of the best baseball players on the team as a son. He’s amazing and I feel bad for missing his games, but that won’t happen anymore. We are going to be a family again.

I hear the door open and Kyle yells. "Hey guys? Anyone home?" Sadie runs to the foyer and I hear her squeal in delight. "MOMMY!" Maria walks into the living room, Sadie leading her by the hand. "Now close your eyes, ok Mommy?" Maria does as she’s told and Sadie leads her to face my art. I go stand by Maria and I take her hand. She smiles. "What’s going on?" Maria always liked surprises. Sadie looks at me as if for a command and I nod in her direction. "Ok Mommy, open your eyes." Maria opens her eyes and her mouth drops. "Oh my God… Michael."

* * *

Sadie is forcing me to shut my eyes, something about a surprise, so I do as I’m told. She leads me into, well I’m going to assume the living room, and then stops me. I feel Michael take my hand and I can’t hide my smile. I am so in love with him.

"Ok Mommy, open your eyes," Sadie’s little voice says. I open my eyes and I’m looking at the most amazing piece of artwork I’ve ever seen. My mouth drops and I am speechless for a moment. But I recover quickly. "Oh my God… Michael." I turn to him with tears of joy in my eyes and wrap my arms around him. He kisses my forehead and pulls me closer. "Thank you," I say into his chest. This is a good feeling, to be held by my husband once again. I love this feeling.

It does however have to end. I pull out of his embrace and look once again at the picture. It’s… it’s me. Michael always told me that he drew me, but he would never let me see the pictures. This … it’s amazing.

"Do you like it?" he asks.

"Michael, I love it." And I do. It’s remarkable.

* * *

"Do you like it?" I ask, even though I’m positive she does.

"Michael, I love it," she says. I believe her. I love this painting, too. I worked hard on it the whole time Maria was in the hospital and I finally captured her. Her red lips, her beautiful, captivating green eyes, her smooth skin, it’s all in this picture. "Just one question." She looks at me and smiles. "Why did you draw me as a child?" she asks. I knew she would ask me that.

"Because that’s you." She looks at me confused. I’m not sure how to put this in words for her to understand. "Because I could never capture your beauty and put it on a canvas. So instead, I captured your innocence. This is the real you Maria, before anyone came into your life and screwed it up. Before anyone hurt you." I mean before I came into your life and screwed it up. Before I hurt you, before I put you in a coma.

"You didn’t screw up my life Michael." She turns to me and she’s very serious. "You made it worth living."

* * *

"You didn’t screw up my life Michael." I turn to him and I’m dead serious about this. It’s not his fault. "You made it worth living." He rests his hand on my face and I feel his fingers on the back of my head. He pulls me in and kisses me gently. I put my arms around him and start to deepen the kiss, but we’re interrupted.

"Eww, get a room," I hear Kaleb mumble. I pull back from Michel and stare at him.

"Excuse me?" I say, with a slight smile on my face.

"Nothing." He grins at me and I just shake my head.

"Mom, look what Sadie and I made you." Katelyn points to a "Welcome Home Mom" sign and I just think to myself how talented my children are, and how perfect life is at this moment.

Michael leads me over to the couch. We sit down and immediately Sadie is pushing her way in between us, and Katelyn and Kaleb sit in front of us on the floor. We’re all talking and laughing and I’m catching up with the kids on what I’ve missed while I was in the hospital.

I turn to Michael and I see him just staring at me, smiling, and I squeeze his hand. We may have fallen apart, but one by one, we’re picking up the pieces and becoming a family again. There is a light at the end of every tunnel, and I, Maria Guerin, could not be happier.

The End!